Nobody’s perfect. Nobody gets things just they way they want every time. For most of us, life is a practice ground where we need more than one do-over before we get things right.
What a gift to be given permission - by ourselves, by others, by the world - to fail and then try again. What a relief to stop pretending perfection is possible or even necessary. What a balm to be forgiven, to not be abandoned simply because we are humans doing our best and sometimes needing another chance.
On a good day, parents know this. Partners and friends know this. Work colleagues and even strangers know this, too. Being alive in a fallible body with a fallible mind in an oh-so-fallible world means sometimes we make mistakes. We often don’t live up to our ideals. Our hopeful brains concoct visions of the perfect day, the perfect home, the perfect job, the perfect life. And then our imperfect beings fail to live up to a bar set far too high for us all.
What a relief when someone smiles and reminds us that it’s okay to try again. What a gift when we are offered understanding, forbearance, another chance. What a skill to be able to fall and rise and fall and rise and keep on going even so. As the Japanese adage goes, “Fall down seven times, stand up eight.”
Meditation practice can be a perfect training ground for honing the superpowers of resilience and renewal. We focus our awareness for as long as our concentration lasts. Sooner or later, the mind slips into the well-worn ruts of worrying, planning, regretting, pondering. Eventually we notice we have wandered off our mark. We take a breath, forgive ourselves, and gently return to the here-and-now.
We begin again. Over and over and over. Focusing, losing focus, straying, noticing, returning. Little by little, our powers of concentration strengthen until we are focusing more and straying less. And, just as importantly, we get used to the process of trying, straying, noticing and returning. We build pathways in the brain and the body that know how to do this. And hopefully along the way we learn to accept this process as necessary. We stop beating ourselves up for living a life that sometimes steers off course.
With practice, we get better at catching ourselves when we fall - and sometimes even before, in that moment when we feel ourselves teetering on the edge. We notice before we’ve traveled an hour in the wrong direction. We notice before the unkind words make it out of our mouth. We notice before a stray thought spins us out into anxiety or ill-will. Our ability to self-correct improves - not just in a meditation but in all of life. We pause, exhale, and begin again.
All the while - hopefully - we do this with love and without recrimination. “Welcome to the human race,” we whisper to ourselves.
As we commit to living in a world of endless renewal, we grow more forgiving not just of ourselves but the world around us, too. We grow a little less harsh in our judgements, a little more tolerant of the fallibility of others, a little more merciful in our response. “This could have happened to anyone, this even could have happened me,” is a useful and tender mantra to keep close at hand.
The new year is here. Let’s leave the past year behind, with a nod and a smile and a thank you. It might have been a fantastic year… or it might have been less than stellar. No worries. We’re doing the best we can, given all that we are carrying. We’re only human. Let’s begin again.
Inspiration, in the world…
In the spirit of new beginnings, I recommend the work, love and wisdom of Father Greg Boyle, a Jesuit priest who founded Homeboy Industries, the world’s largest gang rehabilitation program. Father Greg’s life is built upon his belief in the power of second chances, and his tenderness and humor are contagious. Spend a little time in his orbit and your heart will be uplifted and your faith in the world restored. Here’s my favorite quote by Father Greg: “Love is the answer. Community is the context. Tenderness is the methodology.”
I recommend beginning with his first book Tattoos on the Heart: The Power of Boundless Compassion or perhaps with this interview with Dan Harris from the Ten Percent Happier podcast. My very favorite online offering is a long, heartfelt conversation between Father Greg and Buddhist monk Pema Chodron.
Perhaps you’ll be inspired to make a donation to Homeboy Industries or an organization closer to home that is helping others begin again. Or, maybe you’ll be look for opportunities in your own life to practice renewal. Maybe you’ll give meditation or another practice a second chance. Maybe you’ll forgive a friend. Maybe you’ll notice that niggle in your gut that tells you when you’re straying off course. And if you fall anyway, you’ll pause, breathe and rise back up again without fear or recrimination… and with faithfulness, tenderness and good heart.